Email to lboogie -- 15 September, 12:44(GMT) 7:44(EST)
i think that sounds amazing. my life is, however, a shamble. im thinking of abandoning this life altogether.
im investigating apartments today. after a long hard workweek the hardest thing of all is weekends spent with this two year old. she is not easy. at all. in the convo he and i just had about it, the word "normal" kept coming up a lot. i had to finally say, i dont know if we should talk about normal. or if there is such thing as normal for two year olds. i can say typical - and there is a range. she is on the waaay difficult side of typical.
im in the internet caf right now - of course the backspace button on the keyboard isnt working. which, for this stage of my life, is definitely typical. cant remember the last time i tried to type without a delete button - don't think ever - but the shit aint easy either. i think thats the underlying theme holding all of this shit together.
i am shocked at the life that ive chosen. looking around like - whuuutt??! thinking well, life is not easy. and then thinking - but wait. there are people. some people. who live in bright sunny places. warm places. with normal working hours. delete buttons that work. boyfriends without kids. friends to get drunk with on the weekends. who don't feel guilty that their lives are so easy. so why am i so comfortable with the fact that ive made mine so hard?
i think it boils down to me not being ready to live in the country and stay in all weekend with a kid. i would not have chosen that for 23. and quite honestly wont do it this way when it's me at 30, 35, 40. it will be in the city, full of walks with strollers in stilettos, somehow it will be sexy. and this is NOT sexy.
hes making me feel like a teeerrrible, selfish bitch of a stepmother. serious cindarella style. for not being content. for not loving her tantrums. her whining. the nonstop crying. the child says two words intermitently throughout the day. "NO!" and "MINE!!" . it's like she's never heard of "yes." and everything is hers. the books. the lighter. the tv remote. my shoes. my sunglasses. my cheese and crackers. its all hers. she cant sleep in the bed without him. which means ive just spent the last three nights on the couch alone while he is upstairs in the bed with his two year old. everytime he sneaks out of bed she wakes up and cries. in between the cries i hear her upstairs screaming "mine!".
suicidal yet? the only thing keeping me here is him and the only thing making me miserable here is his life. i struggle daily with the decision of whether or not to come home. a girl who loves my sleep, for the first time ever, dark circles have fixed themselves underneath my eyes. he thought it was my mascara. had to tell him, this shit don't wash off. and im so pale that ive given up and embraced this sickly shade of yellow. no bronzer or tanning salon can save me now.
the only thing that could save me, maybe, is a massive bottle o wine in a tiny village a apartment with a few choice friends and some taco bell. im on my way .......
